the mountain is me
Ah, so the mountain is me.
Took a whole 3 years to finally realize that I am the problem all along — clash with some external factors too.
I was the fire and he was gasoline.
I am the wall, the problem, the mountain, I’m everything I’m scared of. I am the one behind my insecurities and a coward; what a perfect vicious circle.
So the mountain is me.
I thought when something didn’t work the way I want, it wasn’t me at fault. It was the universe, the God, the creator who didn’t want me to.
I thought when ‘us’ didn’t work either, it was you. The time when we screamed our lungs, cried, and make up I thought it was me who deserved all the apology. Cause I never want us to walk this way, cause probably I can’t admit I’m at fault too.
I’m scared.
Despite my presence self, I’m a human too and I swear a lot. I’m not built for hardship, I say. That’s not true, I don’t want to, I have no confidence cause I lost myself a long time ago. I won nothing over myself, not even control over it.
I am a ghost, a zombie, every entity you can name who is soulless but exist. Something that can move but can’t think. A thing that swayed and then stranded.
I am the fire and everyone is gasoline.
I couldn’t bring myself to be brave, admit that I need help, and do everything I could to win this final match between me and me.
I am the mountain. I am the barrier I can’t pass through. I am me and I am my final Boss I couldn’t defeat.
I am everything I’m scared of and everything he said.
I am the mountain.
