first snow (and distance)
life’s getting easier once you let it go. by ‘it’ I mean us.
just like the first snow that came earlier than last year, my feelings for you also evaporate more easily than i thought. as if the snow understands: it’s a new chapter for me.
the feeling that still lingers on me is not love, it’s regret. part of me regretted ‘why can’t we move forward?’ and the other side ‘why don’t I do this sooner?’.
it’s funny how distance could change people this much. how does a simple affirmation ruin everything and tear it apart? how is seeking stability in a relationship between a man and woman understood as demanding?
i know you weren’t ready. silly of me to think we could pull this together. it's silly of me to think i was able to make you something you aren’t.
so when i was asking for stability; where is the direction we move forward to? you take it as a demand; as a compulsion to make it publicly shown. as if i put a gun on your head and you were obligated to make my wish come true.
i was not.
the stability i sought was no more than ‘please just tell me are we on the same page?’
i was hurt that we weren't on it. it’s just me all alone after all, right?
i was feeling unfair, maybe a little bit of betrayed.
it is now December and the first snow came earlier than I thought it would be. it took us only a month to give up. only a month to break whatever tie lies on our pinky finger.
can’t we?
